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If you live everyday as though it's your last, eventually it'll be appropriate
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Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
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Everybody is somebody else's wierdo.
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Puritanism : The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
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If you let a smile be your umbrella, you'll get very wet.
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Smile, and the world wonders what you're up to.
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You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
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He who laughs last thinks slowest
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God must love stupid people...He made SO many.
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Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else.
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My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that.
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Coffee, Chocolate, Men; Some things are just better rich.
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If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.
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The meek shall inherit the Earth -- after we're done with it.
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The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.
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I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
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There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count and those who can't.
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Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
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Money can't buy happiness...but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.
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Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.
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Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether
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It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
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Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
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There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
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Life is like a box of chocolates... full of nuts
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Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
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If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
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Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
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Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
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Two wrongs don't make a right...But three lefts do
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